On the Path to a High Vibe Life - How to Judge Less and Love More
I recently read Ruby Warrington's brilliant book "Material Girl, Mystical World". What drew me to the book besides its bright pink cover...
...(because unlike my mother's prediction that I'd outgrow my love for this color, when I was five and wanted to buy all the pink lipsticks and nail polishes the world had to offer once I was a grown-up, I am (at age 30) still very much in love with pink)...
...was the fact, that not only am I SURROUNDED by material girls (and boys), who seem to have a deep love for anything mystical...
...I AM a material girl, deeply entwined with the mystical world on a daily basis.
In fact, at the time of this writing, my entire life has turned into one big, huge yoga mat, on which I am practicing and ritualizing on a daily basis. Every word I say, intention I make, task I go about, no matter how big or small or profane, I intend to make into a sacred act. That's how I create meaning for myself in everything I do.
It is what some yoga and mystical traditions, call the path of the householder.
Some Eastern and Western traditions regard embarking on the spiritual path as a householder (= someone who is a layperson and engages in a profane life, however, applies spiritual concepts, i.e. most of us with a regular day job not related to organized religion) as far more potent when it comes to our personal growth and evolution as, let's say the path of the loner yogi, who meditates in the mountains for an entire lifetime. Because as a householder you are constantly faced with real-world issues and difficulties, and hence, you can REALLY get an opportunity to bring your urban yogi on.
Learning about why we judge and how to reduce this tendency within us is one of those householder challenges most of us face.
As a yogi in the mountains, it seems rather easy to overcome judgement, when you sit, mostly undisturbed, on a rock or in a cave (or where ever you sit when you have chosen such a life) all day, pondering the meaning and circumstances of life. Because frankly, what is there to judge? After a while, your mind will become very quiet and you will become very much at ease with yourself. Yes, you can still judge yourself. However, there won't be any outside stimulations, which will throw shadow projections on your psyche that will trigger you, like it is the case when you are a householder living in the profane world.
The story is another one, when you are a girl or boy living in New York City, and exposed to people judging each other harshly, like, all the time.
You are constantly triggered by sense perceptions of other people, billboards, and lights, which will project a shadow on your subconscious, where Mr. Critic, the champion of judgement, lives.
Hence, overcoming this tendency in a profane environment seems far harder, than in a more sacred environment, in which there is not much to be triggered by.
Particularly, among women, judgement is a biggy. No matter, if you call New York City, Hamburg or Timbuktu your home, women all over the world will constantly compare themselves to other women, and judge themselves based on that.
I really don't think men judge as much as we do. However, since I have incarnated in a female body and can only determine this based on the male creatures who surround my person, I obviously can't speak for all men. So if you are male and have a different perspective on this, I welcome you to speak up.
Judgement can be extremely toxic. And exhausting. Especially if this is something you do compulsively.
Ruby Warrington writes regarding this:
"One of the saddest outcomes of our disconnect from the Divine Feminine is competition among women, which seems to me is born of the fear that there's simply not enough (love, acceptance, decent salaries, Instagram followers) to go around."
Why is judgement toxic? I write about this in my last blog post: Why judgement, literally, sucks.
If you are interested in how to judge less and love more, because, like me, you've decided that it's not only exhausting and creates more unflattering wrinkles, you also have more important things to do with your life, please read on.
How to judge less and love more?
Before we dive into the solution, we have to understand where judgement comes from.
Judgement essentially starts with ourselves. It is rooted in radical self-judgement and self-hatred, combined with a tad fear that, as Ruby Warrington explains, there "isn't enough love, acceptance, decent salaries or Instagram followers to go around".
Note that, fear, in part, often comes from this false perception of lack. Fear can also be an expression of the ghost of rejection.
We are social animals, so essential what we long for above anything else is to be loved and accepted. To be part of a tribe, a herd, which will not only take us in and accept us, but also provide for our well-being.
Back when we were still roaming the Savana of Africa as a pre-human, it was essential for our survival to "fit it". If we were accepted in a group, our survival was secured. however, we were rejected and cast out, it meant almost certainly death.
Somewhere deep inside us that primordial fear of not being able to survive is still stuck.
Although they are mostly false beliefs, they are beliefs that our small ego is holding on to so tightly as if life itself, literally, depended on it.
Remember Mr. Critic? We wondered who hired this dude, anyway. Well, he was hired by our small ego triggered by outer circumstances between the ages of 4-10.This was the age when we were at closest to our pre-human self, mostly driven by first through third chakra (survival and ego) motives. As a child at the age of 4 to be rejected by his or her tribe, instinctually, would be a threat to survival.
Self-judgement started when our caretakers (probably mom and dad) started imprinting these beliefs within us. Well, guess what, we were children and depended on their approval and love for our survival. So we believed and did everything they said in order to please them. And if it they judged us, we might have thought they were right, after all we relied on them for everything else too, why not also our self-image?!
Think back to when you were a small kid. Didn't you, too, think that mom and dad were god-like and everything they said was golden? Well, no wonder, we started believing what we were taught, both good and bad. (That's why being a parent is a far larger responsibility than most are aware).
Unfortunately, most folks carry these beliefs in a small suitcase straight through childhood and into adulthood, unconsciously sabotaging their life.
"Not being worthy enough", or "good enough", is something that far too many believe about themselves.
#BS #YouArePerfectTheWayYouAre #TheTruthWithACapitalT
And this is precisely where self-judgement and self-hatred started.
When you judge yourself, judging others is just a step away. And why?
Think about it. Ever been in this situation in which you feel not very good about yourself and you meet up with a friend. Suddenly the friend starts gossiping about another, perhaps mutual, friend.
"Can you believe it?", he or she says, "She literally broke up with the guy and started dating the next guy five minutes later".
Now, here you are, feeling crummy, but the moment you hear this, something gets sparked in you. "Wow" you think excitedly to yourself "There are actually people out there that are even more unworthy than me", and the act of judgement makes you feel so much better about your own short-comings and your own life.
It makes you feel superior over others.
Feeling superior and more powerful over others is a small high, which is rooted in ego, self-hatred and fear. It's like self-medicating with alcohol. It makes you feel better for a little bit and leaves you feeling even more depressed and miserable after.
And just like alcohol, judgement consumed in large masses is unhealthy for you. So why engage in it?
Just stop that sh*t (excuse my language). How?
Only by re-parenting yourself and becoming more loving and accepting of yourself, will you go into judgement recovery. (And I say re-parenting, because essentially your inner child - the 4-year old who started believing all this stuff you tell yourself daily- is the one who still believes all the nonsense about not being enough, not being accepted, and not being loved for exactly who he or she is.)
When you start loving, respecting and accepting yourself more, it will naturally spill into the world. Suddenly you will not have a need to engage in gossip and judgement, and will instead want to engage in much more rewarding conversations.
I know, loving yourself sounds like the standard cliché stuff, we hear a whole bunch these days. It's rather abstract to most. But fear not my fellow soul, here are steps you can take toward becoming more loving:
1.) Re-parent yourself. Visualize yourself as a 4-year old child. It is crying, because it wants to be loved and accepted. Now see yourself, as the adult you are now, embracing, loving and nurturing the child like a parent. As you visualize this, tell your inner child how much loved, respected and accepted he or she is. Repeat this visualization daily.
2.) Find a coach, preferably with a strong analytical psychology background, who can help you improve your life and lead a more loving and happy life and support you in this endeavor.
3.) Use affirmations. Write affirmations like "I love and respect myself" on a piece of paper and pin it to your bathroom mirror. Every morning and evening, read the affirmation to yourself, out-loud, three times. Can't really feel it? No problem. Fake it until you make. Your subconscious is far more receptive than you think.
4.) Meditate. Becoming aware when judgmental thoughts arise and then letting them go takes practice, and that's where meditation comes in. In meditation you practice watching your thoughts and letting them go, and that also includes the judgmental ones.
5.) Loving-Kindness Meditation is also a great practice to increase love for yourself. You begin by thinking of an animal or person you love very much. Once you can feel the love for them, you apply that love to yourself. Then you begin saying to yourself (preferably out loud):
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be loved
May I be at ease
Repeat this at least three times in a row. Or as often as you'd like.
6.) Self Care is the action that results from self-love. Sometimes, though, their dynamic also works in reverse. When you start doing loving things for yourself, you will feel more loved. What does self care mean? It could be as easy as treating yourself to three healthy meals a day, no matter how busy you are. Drinking plenty of water. Taking a bubble bath. Going to yoga. You name it. Whatever you can do for yourself that makes you feel good and is healthy for you counts as self care.
7.) Understand that judgement is human. You guys, we are human, so we will judge. And there's nothing essentially wrong with it. Only when it jeopardizes your health and happiness, is it time to make a change. That said, if you do catch yourself judging, cut yourself some slack and repeat steps 1-6. Be gentle with yourself, you are a human, after all. And perfection also is a form of self-hatred when taken too far.
Once you start incorporating these six tips into your life and work on loving yourself more, you will start to see your reality transform. This is due to the loving feeling for yourself that will spill into the world.
As we established in "Why Judgement Sucks, Like, Literally", once your vibration is lifted through self-love it can only attract more love to you. (If you want to know more, read about it in my last blog post mentioned above). You will suddenly see more loving and life-affirming people, situations and circumstances enter your life. (And the less loving ones leaving your reality)
And if you feel like you need and want help in shifting your perception and feelings, by all means get help. There are plenty of therapists, coaches and other helping professions out there, among them myself. So reach out, soul, if you feel like you could use a little cosmic booster shot in your journey.
Ever wondered about this idea of self-care everyone seems to be talking now?
Well, read all about dating yourself, loving yourself and caring for yourself in my next post (5/25), so stay tuned!
Until then, treat yourself well and take a bath this weekend (or whatever else makes your soul all loved and fuzzy).
Oh and if you think of someone who absolutely needs to read this, won't you please pass this on so that more souls become less judgmental and more loving?
We all would appreciate it a bunch!
Take care, lovely soul.
From Heart to Heart and Soul to Soul,
PS: Follow AnuSoul on Instagram and Facebook @anu.soul. and please pass this on if it served you. Also, if you are interested in my services, please feel free to reach out. I offer coaching sessions via Skype crafted to your personal needs.
P.P.S.: Mindful disclaimer: I am neither in the possession of truth, nor do I have – as they say - monopoly on the truth. Everybody has to seek and find what’s true for them. I am just another soul on the path of Truth (with a capital T) – whatever that means. While I travel down the long and lonesome road of life’s ups and downs, I have chosen the art of writing as my tool to dig deeper, in hope of finding pieces of clues that will help me solve life’s mysteries. Like a transpersonal archeologist, I am digging deep, working on making sense of the fantastically puzzling questions that revolve around the meaning of life and human existence. I am looking for clues to human existence that will shift our consciousness and help us see things through different, more loving, compassionate, forgiving and kinder lenses. So that we may not only transform our own being, but humankind collectively.]